A Letter to Angel Baby, Abel

Abel,

Two years ago today, I experienced the hardest, saddest, most heartbreaking day of my life: losing you.

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The day that we found out we’d be having you! I was so happy!

You had been growing for 4 months inside of my belly. On June 22nd we went in for a routine doctor’s appointment, this day was supposed to be very happy and special because we planned on finding out if you were a little boy or girl. I was looking forward to this appointment, so much that I had a dream about it the week before. In my dream, as I was laying there, the Ultrasound Tech didn’t say anything to me about you. I’ll always wonder if the night I had that dream is when your heart stopped beating… Fast forward to a week later (June 22), the Ultrasound Tech didn’t say a word to me about you. I looked on the screen and your little body was so still. But I wasn’t worried… Until she told me that she had to go over some information with the doctor and to sit in the lobby.

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Your Daddy took this picture of me right before our heartbreaking doctors appointment.

That’s when I started to panic…

Your daddy was at home with your 3 big brothers. So I started texting and calling him to tell him that something wasn’t right.

The doctor called me into the back.

He told me that they didn’t see a heartbeat.

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You are buried next to our front steps.

I was shattered.

Your heart was just beating the week before at my last appointment!

I drove home… a 4 minute drive that seemed to be the longest drive of my life.

As soon I got home, I ran to your daddy’s arms and told him that we lost you. That you didn’t have a heart beat. We held each other and cried together.

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Your delivery was scheduled for the next day, June 23 2015. We went to the hospital and they put us in a labor and delivery suite. As I looked around at the little infant bed and rocking chair, I couldn’t help but to cry. I would never get a chance to rock you.
… cuddle with your warm little body.
… see you smile.
… hear your first cry.
… change your first diaper.

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You were born right in between Memorial Day and the 4th of July! I am grateful to be able to decorate your grave and spend time with you whenever I want… although you are gone.

Life is made up of so many tiny moments and although the little time that I had with you was (and still is) heartbreaking I’m grateful for it.

It hurts me so much to talk about this because I hate reliving what happened.

Today, I don’t want to tell you about your heartbreaking delivery.
I don’t want to tell you about how your daddy and I had to dig your grave.
And buy your gravestone.
I don’t want to tell you about how we had to tell your big brothers (who were all under 4 at the time) that mommy didn’t have a baby in her belly anymore.
I don’t want to tell you about the heartbreaking phone call I made to your grandparents explaining what happened.
Or how I almost completely lost my Faith…

I still can’t bring myself to look at pictures of you.
… to look at photos of your tiny casket.
… to look at or smell the blankets that you were wrapped in.

I mourn for you everyday.

Today, I’m celebrating the fact that you ARE in heaven! And through God’s grace, I’m looking forward to meeting and seeing you again whenever I go on to glory.

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Happy birthday, little man! There’s a party going on in heaven right now to celebrate you!

You are so loved baby boy!
I will never ever forget you!
Though your time on earth was short, one day we will be together for all time and eternity! Glory to our Heavenly Father!

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Happy ANGEL day, Abel!
Happy BIRTHDAY, baby boy!

I love you more than I’ll ever be able to say!

Love,
Mama

5 thoughts on “A Letter to Angel Baby, Abel

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